Goat, Tell it on the Mountain

No, I did not misspell. We saw a goat at mile marker 150 on the way home from Beth Moore's Living Proof Live event, and we laughed out loud with God. And a laugh is exactly what I needed. I am on a praise him high. I just finished my time of study with Him this morning (time that I have renewed for God that I have been slacking on). I only pray that I continue to be dedicated in my study time each morning to start my day right.

God's love is immeasurable. Which says a whole lot about his love for us when he measures everything. I have learned that it doesn't matter what others think of us, only what our heavenly father thinks of us. So maybe the trials of work have taught me that I could never please man anyway, but God loves me as I love my children, which is unconditional. I should spend more time letting his love shine through me and quit worrying if I am pleasing others. I still don't know if this job was meant to teach me a lesson, and now that I see, it is time to move on. Or, is there something God is using me for at that job, that I still need to see through till completion.

I pray that God will only open doors that he wants me to go through and that he closes the ones I need to close. Translated, if I am to take a new job, then open that opportunity, but if I am to stay at the current one, then don't even tempt me with any other offers.

"In Christ Alone" as my favorite song says, is the only place you will find that kind of unconditional love. Dear Lord, open my heart that I may have that undying love for you, that unquenchable desire for you, that you have entended for us, that only you can fill.

Do I Stay or Do I Go?

I had a really bad night at work on Sunday. Last week we had a charge nurse meeting and went over the charge duties and things that we needed to be focused on. I guess we are having a problem getting the doctors to sign their orders and a few other technical medical things involving charts that you probably wouldn't understand. To put it in a nutshell, problems with charts, if they aren't fixed, hospital can be shut down. So they came up with this tool to check the charts and flag things that needed signatures. It was out last week, noone seemed to know who was responsible for it, so we got that clarified in the charge nurse meeting. The unit clerks are responsible. So, Sunday night, in a very nice, walking on eggshells kinda way, given the other issues I am working against, I asked the African-American unit clerk if she had been updated yet that the paper from last week was a unit clerk duty? For the rest of the night it was horrible. Mrs. P is the best unit clerk we have, and I know that things are in order when she works, and I know that she is already mentally checking the charts as she does her duties. I agree it is not right for everyone to have to suffer when the problem lie with a few. But if the problems don't get fixed and the hospital closes, then it is everyone's problem. So we should all work together as a team to fix what's broken.

So, through the night Mrs P would say things such as, "I haven't been given the authority to do that by my charge nurse", or "I'd like to go smoke, but I don't want to be accused of not doing my job". I tried to tell her that noone worried about her doing her work and she was being unfair, if she had suggestions of a better way to do it, we would love to hear them. She called us charge nurses "Queen bees" and I told her that we did not use our authority to push people around, she replied "yes you do" and I asked her to give me some instances and we would discuss them. She had no reply. Someone called off early in the morning, so we were trying to get someone to come in and work. The unit clerks always help make those phone calls, I politely asked her if she could make a couple calls, she replied "Is that my job description now too?" I told her to give me a break, I asked if we needed to go discuss whatever problem she had with me, she replied "no". I said "Well, then we are gonna have to get past this, because we are gonna have to work together." She replied, "unfortunately". I continued to be nice, she continued to be rude. It was horrible. By the end of the shift, I was miserable, upset, and nervous. I was unable to get my mind on my work because of all the tension. I talked to my boss about the whole situation the next morning. I explained that I felt like I am fighting an uphill battle and it will never be right. She asked me to hang in there.

Here is my thoughts though. I am still in my probation period and if they want to, they can let me go at any time with or without cause. My boss, Marie, said that she didn't work like that, and the only way I would leave is on my own terms. However, even if they know I have done nothing wrong, how are we ever gonna get past this and work together as a team? I don't know if it will ever be right. And which is easier? Getting rid of 1 or 15? There is so much tension in that place, and I just feel beat down. I sit here and think of what excuse I can come up with so I don't have to go to work. At first I thought I will stay and not give them the satisfaction of running me off, but then I thought, who are these people and what do they mean to me. Why do I care if they think they run me off or not, its not like I would ever see them again or they effect my life in any way.

Then comes the confusion. I really prayed about this job and doors opened so easily, I just knew it was an answered prayer. So what went wrong? Was Satan opening the doors? How do I trust my answered prayers now? If I pray should I leave and doors open again, how do I trust that move? I need some sky writing or wet fleece on the dry ground for this one. My friend Sarah says that I should work at Kings Daughters Hospital, and guess what....My old recruiter calls me today and says they have new travel nurse positions at Kings Daughters for a new ICU they are opening. Is that strange or what? Now what do I do? Speak to me Lord. Lead me in your paths.

For My Broken Heart

My Mom has had a rough year. She had knee surgery and as a result ended up with a partially paralyzed diaphragm. If your diaphragm doesn't work, your lungs can't expand, and you can't breathe. She walks with a limp, she now has fibromyalgia and hurts all the time. She can't sleep, and depends on help for basic things that we take for granted. They have their house up for sale and the savings account is fading fast while they wait for a decision on their disability claim.

I recently wrote my statement for the disability office and, as I was answering the questions, I was overcome with great saddness for just how her life has changed and how depressed she must be. You have a woman who worked 2-3 jobs all her life and taught me not to depend on anyone for support, who now can't even put her shoes on without the help of her husband.
By the way, THANK GOD FOR HIM!!! I realized that I have not been as sensitive to her situation as I probably should be and I need to be praying for her, that God will strenghthen her faith and wrap his loving arms around her. I have been praying for the disability case to go through, but I realize now, that she needs way more than financial assistance.

I just got off the phone with her, and Lindon is going on a bike ride today. Mom would love to be with him I know. Maybe we will get a movie and some popcorn and go visit her.

Keep her in your prayers please.

All Grown Up, (or so he Thinks)

Today is Caleb's first day of Preschool. He is going to the preschool that Brett went to when he was little. It is a private preschool at the local Christian Church in town. He will be there 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. He is sooooo excited.

This weekend we had to get ready. He got a new pack of crayons, Scooby Doo paper towels, Superman pencils, and the Batman backpack. Then we had to get a new outfit to wear. This is a challenge. My 3 year old is wearing the same size clothes that my 10 year old is wearing, only he is about 9 inches shorter. Caleb wears a 1.5 in shoes, and an 8 in pants and shirts. As it gets colder very quick, I am realizing that I need to have him some pants tailored to fit.

Daddy took the day off so that we could take him together. It will be a sight to see who cries first. On the one hand I am excited that he will be learning new things, but on the other hand, he is one step further out the door.

I look at Brett now, and realize how much he has grown. He is talking about having a Christian Rock band in middle school, and his childhood questions are becoming much more grown up. We were talking about temptation yesterday, and he said that he knew that it was gonna get harder as a teenager because Satan would use drugs and sex and peep pressure to make him sin. He then wondered how he would ever keep from making mistakes. I reminded him about grace. However, isn't it wonderful to have that humble desire to want to try to be perfect and to be so convicted when we do wrong that it really bothers us? Maybe some of us adults could use a childlike faith.