It's been a while since I blogged, but I am finding myself needing to write to relieve stress a little more lately, and I hope to read other's blogs and draw encouragement from like minded Christians.
This is a picture of my family at Caleb's preschool program. He is moving up to the next class this September and I think back that it wasn't that long ago, we stood on the same stage as Brett graduated from one class to go to Elementary School. How time flies. In this picture, I recently found out that we were going to have another baby. We were still in shock, since I was on birth control, and got pregnant after taking several weeks of antibiotics due to a horrible upper respiratory infection I got at King's Island indoor water park. We are now used to the idea, actually getting excited about having another baby, and starting to prepare for this blessing God has decided to give us.
I elected to do a test called an Ultrascreen, which is a blood test along with an ultrasound to screen for birth defects. I really didn't care about screening for problems, the reason I wanted to do it, was for peace of mind. I had a misscarriage before having Caleb, and it was horrible. I had that miscarriage at about 10 weeks along. I felt that having this ultrascreen would give me the opportunity to see the ultrasound, that the baby was okay, and then I wouldn't worry about having a miscarriage and I could have peace of mind.
Peace of mind is not at all what I got. The screening came back that John and I are at an increased risk of having a Down's Syndrome baby. We now are being referred to a genetic counselor to decide what we want to do. Do we want to have to have an amniocentesis or not to know for sure if our baby has Downs? I really don't want to worry for 25 more weeks, but I am nervous about having a procedure that has any risk of causing a miscarriage. I want to be prepared, I would like to find out I have nothing to worry about and enjoy my pregnancy.
I think to myself so many things. I found out that it may be due to problems with the egg many times. So, is it my fault? Then I think, if I was going to have a child with a birth defect, Downs is much better than spinal bifida or other crippling disorders. After all day crying on Tuesday, then having my fears confirmed that the test was correct on Thursday, and crying more, I feel weird. I don't know if I am just cried out, or numb, or if this is a peace that the Lord has given me. Is he reassuring me that it is all going to be okay, or is he comforting me, letting me know that he will equip us with what we need to get through the worst? I just have this feeling like I did as a little girl when my dad would hold me on his lap and love me. I feel protected, sheltered from the world. My heart still aches, but I somehow know all will be okay, because I am not alone. This I guess is what it is to go down a road of faith.
3 comments:
Glad to see you're back. Well, I hate to hear all the heartache you're going through. I personally would not want anymore tests done. But you will decide what is best for you all and your situation.
I pray God gives you the peace of mind to decern what is right for you and your baby! Take some time to let Him wrap you up in His embracing arms and just love all over you!
You are in my prayers. As I told you, I know what it's like to worry and stress through a pregnancy especially after a miscarriage. Just know that whatever you decide it's all in the Lord's hands and as His children He will give you the courage and strength you need. Keep looking up because He is always looking down!
Hey Deena!.....Totally know what you are going through...I am going through the exact same thing. It is crazy how God gives us each other in times of fear. I also have a fear that Ranji could have CP. But you know what? It is ok! It is hard but it is ok. God doesn't give you anymore than you can handle. God is bigger than Downs and CP! Children are God's special gifts! Many times to pray I go out on my front porch and I have a box of flowers. They are simple shade impatients. Easy to take care of and very cheap to buy. But they are beautiful. They have a pink ring on the outside of the flower and a white middle. You know, only God can make something so petite and beautiful. If He can do that, how much more will He do for a child and their parents who love them? Here are some verses that I lean on to give me strength each day while I pray that Ranji will grow to be healthy and normal, if the Lord will's. Matthew 25:31-46, Matthew 19:13-15, Matthew 18:10-14; Psalm 18:30. I don't know if those will bring you comfort, but I have been leaning on them throughout our whole endevour. Oh, and I heard that those tests are almost always wrong. Someone told me like 99.9% wrong. It will all be good. Down's isn't that huge of a deal, and neither is spina bifida. Our worship minister has a little boy who is 4 with that and he is amazing. God coninues to get them through...and He will do the same for us.
I'll pray for you,
Jeni
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